The Curse Is Fear

finally connected to wireless. relief. i'm doing the tangent thing now. i hear that's what blogging is for. here goes.

Cliques are for the emotionally weak. Cliques are for the fearful. After about age 23, the concept of a group, limited by it's own existence, maniacally resistant to new people, ideas, spirits, soulfulness or soul-mated-ness is purely juvenile. it's one thing to maintain a closeness, a group of friends, a loving close group of friends - how natural! But to exclude incoming relationships to the point of distrust and linguistic daggers speaks miles about the clique itself. I was in a sorority - most people are surprised by that. I made some friends, got a lot of the girl's boyfriends high, contributed to a high group GPA, drove on the road trips, did the adventure travel while the rest hung out on the beach - and still i have my friends. And then there are my other real friends - Some of which, all male, are here. reading this. (hi cmay). I'm not gay, but my girlfriends tend to be the types who have mostly male friends, and the females are the types who never fully adapted to the high school mentality of Clique-ism. Pure friendship at it's best. If you are happy, I am happy.

"the way that i feel when you laugh is like laughing, the way that i feel when you cry is so bad" - Yo La Tengo

It's hard to conclusively write about what i am mulling over this morning. I'm doing my best. I recently observed a situation of men and women in their 30s who seem pleased to maintain the "i'm an insider, you're an outsider" philosophy about friendships and life. i am sure that they are nice people but it got me thinkin. Where does this nationalistic mentality within cliques come from?

it's beautiful when Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G) can expose prejudice in it's purest form. I used to think it was fun to do that, too. But recently i discovered within myself a sick need to feel people out for their essence, not their superficial obviousness - are they old souls or new souls, are they leading conditional lives, are they rooted in clique mentality to the point of ignorance, would they prefer a legal contract, do they need rules? And, most importantly - How can i relate to these types of people even though i do not want to. Because by relating to them, i am opening myself to new lessons, new ideas, new meta connections, new energies, new currents. Even if we never understand each other, i walk away knowing i tried to relate in one way or another. But with this cynicism in me, this streak of evil, i want to poke and prod, bring out the very worst in them, i want to see what zealots they are when it comes to their cliques, their ideas, their dogmatic knee-jerk judgement of people places and things, it interests me to see how truly closed minded they are, because in some sick way it assures me that indeed my mind is still free. and I'm listening. I'm really old and have so much more to learn. It's rare to meet other people who can relate. There are a few bizarre curses in life. Before my grandma died i thought it was love. But when i laid her to rest, i learned the simplest yet biggest life lesson (so far) - love is all that matters. and it has no boundaries. it breaks down doors. It frightens many. So they stick with who and what they know. The real curse is fear. I also used to believe that intelligence is a curse - it's difficult to hold conversations without seeing people zone out, roll their eyes, interrupt by talking to someone else mid-sentence, etc - and the subject matter which interests me really bores them, it's fine, but....intelligence felt like a curse. Now, it's just so simple. Fear is the underworld of personal happiness.

I don’t feel the suns comin’ out today
Its staying in, it’s gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don’t
Think I’ll ever see the sun from here.
And oh as I fade away,
They’ll all look at me and say, and they’ll say,
Hey look at him! I’ll never live that way.
But that’s okay
They’re just afraid to change.
When you feel your life ain’t worth living
You’ve got to stand up and
Take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin’ it’s time to die.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways will work and other ways we’ll play.
But I know we all can’t stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today.
And then they’ll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
They’ll all look at me and they’ll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.
- (blind melon, "change" - of course)

this was written rising in the house of alison.